So you think you’ve found the perfect match. You have similar interests, you’re attracted to him or her, goals seem to be the same, etc., etc. This really might be the one. And then, it happens–the, ‘it’s not you it’s me speech’.
Having someone break up with you can be heart breaking, not to mention hard on the ego. Your self esteem can drop and you wonder ‘what’s wrong with me’. The truth of the matter is that there probably isn’t a thing wrong with you. It’s just not the right fit.
Think of a relationship like a pair of shoes. When you’re looking for a new pair you shop around, try them on and then when you get just the right fit you’re sold. You wouldn’t buy shoes that don’t fit properly would you? So why would you expect anyone to stay in a relationship that didn’t. And if you’ve either bought a pair that you thought would feel better once they were broken in, you know that doesn’t work either. Too many people stay in a relationship because they think it will get better or they’re too afraid of being alone. Both are poor reasons for staying together. The proper fit is vital all around. So do you really want to commit to a relationship when either of you don’t feel the fit is right?
That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt and that you don’t need time to process it. If it is a relationship that was meaningful to you then it will take some time. It’s a loss, so treat it like any other loss and grieve it. Feel all the emotions that go along with grief: sadness, anger, regret, depression, and any other you may feel. Don’t try to suppress them. Find a healthy way to express them such as the listening ear of a friend that you trust or journaling. Writing an unfiltered letter, that you will NOT send, can be very effective too. Whatever it takes and whatever works best for you do it. Just don’t bottle those emotions up.
Sometime the instinct is to rush into a new relationship and all too often well intentioned friends are encouraging you to do so. The reality is it’s too painful for them to watch you hurt. However, that can be even more detrimental. It’s much healthier to take some time to really process the loss and evaluate the future. Do things just for you and pamper yourself. This can be a healing and growth period if you allow it to be. Evaluate the relationship, not to decide what was wrong with you, but to see what wasn’t working in the relationship and how you’d like things to be different next time. If you’ve had a string of failed relationships it might be a good idea to ask yourself a few questions. Am I choosing people who aren’t good for me? Are there things I’m doing in relationships that aren’t healthy (ie too dependant, which translates into the dreaded needy). Am I too jealous, possessive, controlling; and the list can go on. Do a healthy evaluation but don’t blame them or you. Chalk it up to a poor fit and be thankful a wrong long term decision wasn’t made. Just like you don’t buy the first pair of shoes you try on because they’re cheap, even if they are too tight, don’t settle for a partner that isn’t just right. Remember that dating is all about finding the right fit and there really is a better fit for you out there!!